Letting Go

It is amazing how hard it is to let go of things in our lives, Be it our relationships, our scars, our pain and so much more. It just gets harder especially with time. The funny part about letting go is that, we hold on to the bad stuff more than the good things. We hold on to the things or people that hurt us than those who actually do love us.

I thought I had divorced my husband back in 2017. Even after the separation in 2011, I still thought we were together. I felt so guilty about leaving him that I prayed to go back to him.
As a perfectionist, and like most women I wanted the whole package. A husband, kids, and a little house and an SUV. I fought for that for a long time. I left my husband because I thought the heart will grow fonder with distance. I thought he will realize what he had lost.

I did things to just make him see what he is missing out. In my mind, we were going to get back together and rebuild our family. I prayed and worked hard at it. But of course, sometimes I tried moving on, but my heart yearned for a perfect family.
I stand to be corrected and please don’t try to correct me. Covid-19 is bad. It is super scary. It has turned out lives’ upside down. We now have a new normal. People have been dying out there. The rules have changed. In fact, there’s a new game now and this game has one player and it’s God or the Universe or the powers that be. And we are inclined obey to this player. We are being taught that our plans are not his and therefore we must just be still!
So anyway, as for me as much as this Covid is a difficult thing for us to go through, I learned that I had to let go of some things in my life, and one of them being my marriage. After a few hurts and pain and soul searching I realized that I had to let my marriage go.
Imagine this, only after 9 years of separation and 3 years of divorce it’s only now lately that I realized that it’s over. I didn’t know that divorcing or ending a relationship was such a long process. Oh no I am not talking about the paperwork process! But the emotional process. I always thought that you go to court and sign the papers and it’s good bye.

If you shared dreams with that person, had hopes with them, kids with them, shared so much more than the bed. Did things together, had kids out of your love together. His family became your family. Exchanged vows to never to cherish and love. Shared hopes and dreams for your kids together, then your divorce is gonna be a significant process.
Liz Taylor, the woman who married and divorced at least 8 times, said that with every divorce a part of her died. It does die. It’s only now that I am mourning my marriage. I am burying that part of me that loved and cherished my husband. The part that gave birth to his 3 beautiful boys that I wish he could appreciate as much as I do.

But at the same time, I am forgiving myself for the part that I took in ending that relationship, because for whatever reason I filed for divorce, I also played a part in ruining my marriage. It takes two to tangle. He didn’t just mess up by himself. I did too and for a long time I wanted to fix what I have done wrong and now I realize that I can’t. And for those reasons I am finding a way to forgive myself.

I pray and hope that he will forgive me for my part too and that I will forgive him for his part as well. I am letting go of my failed marriage. I am now embracing single parenthood and also being a single woman.
The only thing I could say to my kids is that, it’s me and you against the world, just the four of us and I know we are going to make it.
I am looking forward to the future because I also realize that by letting go, I am opening my hand to receiving something better.
I love and loved my husband with all my heart and I thank him for my beautiful boys and I pray for forgiveness and peace between us in the future.
That’s me letting go …….

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