Change is Inevitable

They say the only thing that is constant in life it’s change. Some days I understand this, but most days I don’t. They also say change is inevitable. But I still don’t know what all these quotes means. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. Because I don’t like change, I really don’t. But one couldn’t tell that I am afraid of change. When change comes, I am the first person to embrace it but also the last one to accept it.
Let me give you a scenario, what is the biggest change in most people’s lives? “Moving houses”, right? When I have to move, I usually look forward to it, I start packing months before time. I will go to the new place almost everyday just to be sure that I have the right curtain fittings and if the bed will fit. The day of moving is even more exciting, I will do it so swiftly. Then the first night in the new place arrives, that’s when the problem starts.
I will go out of my way to find everything wrong with the place, I’ll change the bed daily before I find the right spot. Taking a bath in the new place is always my biggest nightmare. I will feel so dirty after my first bath. It will take me few a weeks before I accept the change of environment. No please, I don’t like change.
I was watching a movie when I realized why I was feeling the way I was feeling since I was discharged from the hospital. The movie was about a group of college friends that met over a weekend for a reunion. One of the friends came with his girlfriend and I immediately disliked the new girlfriend. Because I felt as if she was intruding, but as the movie reeled on, I realized that I didn’t like her because she was bringing change to the group. I wanted the guy to hook up with one of the girls in the group, that way things wouldn’t change.
Then it became clearer to me why I wasn’t coping ever since I was discharged from the hospital. It is because I am scared of the change that was happening into my life. The depression is under control now, I can carry on with my life as long as I keep taking my meds. But I am scared to move on, I am stuck, it’s not in the dark place though, it’s in the middle, between the light and the darkness. I am scared that if I move over to the light, I will be happy, the problem is, for how long before I get back to the darkness. So now I am sitting here guarding myself.
I have never been depressed like I have been lately. This time around I got depressed for a longer time, so I am sort of used to this feeling now, I am scared to feel anything else. Because if I feel anything else, it will mean I have to change and I just can’t deal with that right now.
But nevertheless, I am doing much better now. I find it difficult to write this blog because I feel like I am not being 100 percent honest. I feel like I am guarding my true feelings. So, I am gonna leave it here and try and write about something else another day. Something positive.
And whoever said that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Dude, you are lying…
Georgina Mushi Soweto Sunrise News

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